My Conversion Story
Now I'm finally publishing my conversion story in English. I hope the English is not too bad - I was quite tired when I translated it...
I. Family
I come from a non-religious family which can best be described as agnostic.
My father's family - nominally Lutheran - has not been religious since my great-grandmother's generation (she was my grandmother's mother). At the same time, my grandmother, who had got from her own grandmother at least some very vague notion of faith, had her own children and also my aunt's children baptized. Still, my father and her sister were never raised in any faith - and my grandfather himself was an atheist.
On the other side, my mother comes from a 'good Catholic' family with seven children: several of my mother's older siblings (she is the youngest one) went to First Communion, though, as far as I know, none of them is practising today. Both my grandparents went to Catholic schools: the rich relatives who financed my grandfather's schooling at a Piarist school even wanted him to become a priest - fortunately, he himself had other plans...
Still, most of his life he probably wasn't a practising Catholic at all. My grandmother, on the other hand, started practising again in her later years (she probably never had lost the Faith). One of my aunts even brought a Rosary to her deathbed, so that she could pray it in her last hours...
II. Childhood and Youth
Still, I myself was raised in a non-religious family - though one that was quite open-minded and had much interest in culture and history. So I've 'devoured' books ever since my earliest childhood. I even went through some 'phases', when I completely immersed myself into a topic and read everything I could get hold of about it.
The first one of these phases happened when I was about 6 or 7 years old: it started when I got a very good Hungarian book of stories from the Old Testament. I was enchanted by these tales, written with lots of humor and in a very interesting way (though at first, of course, I wasn't interested in them from the religious point of view). Thus I knew very soon most of the main events described in the Bible.
Even later, I showed much cultural interest in religion, in the history of the Church, in the saints, in religious art (I also had an art history 'phase' of course :-)). What's more, we lived in Austria between 1983 and 1988 (at that time, I was between 4 and 9 years old) and here, Religious Education is a part of the national curriculum. As a person 'without religious affiliation' (ohne religiöses Bekenntnis, o. r. B.) I didn't have to attend R. E. lessons (which also meant that we could sometimes come to school later or go earlier). I was somewhat proud of being 'different' from most of the other children.
After two years in Hungary between 1988 and 1990, whe returned to Austria and I started going to high school (Gymnasium) in Vienna. From the 6th class (10th grade) on the religion teacher of my class was a young priest - something rather uncommon here, especially at a state school. We all liked him very much and I often talked with him about many things. He later said that I was more interested in Church history and such things than most students who attended R. E....
III. Shortly before
In all these years I never had the faintest idea that I would once become a believer; even two years ago I would have laughed at everybody who had said that. I thought of myself - as soon as I knew the expression - as an agnostic; I didn't say that God didn't exist, but I didn't really believe in Him and He wasn't important for me or my life.
The first vague signs that all this could change one day started about 4 years ago, when I started having very sharp and disturbing attacks of an incredible fear of death. All this came back several times during about 1 or 2 years. It was a very sudden and very oppressing feeling - in these moments I somewhat envied those people who could believe in life after death; nevertheless I thought that I couldn't give myself over to illusions that there was anything there afterwards.
IV. First Experiences
I think my "story with God" really started in August 2003. At that time, I spent some days in Paris (where I had studied for some months in 2001 and where I have gone every year since then in order to meet my friends). Three things first put me in contact with the Catholic faith and made a deep impression on me.
- One day I went to Notre-Dame Cathedral just during Communion. The church was full of tourists; but I realized that many of them had joined the Communion line. I saw many-many people of different nations - some of them just passing by - all going to Communion together. It was an impressive image of the Church, of her internationality, of her world-encompassing nature.
- On Sunday I went for a walk and entered by chance a church that was full of people - among them many young couples with children. First, I only remarked tht the priest was standing on the chancel; then he came down and started doing things at the altar with the back to the people, while saying things in an incomprehensible language. I understood quickly: this was a Tridentine Mass!
I thought at the time that this was forbidden (thoug this one was indeed: it was a Mass of the Lefebvrists), so I looked very closely and full of interest. Then came the moment of the Consecration: everyone was kneeling, it was very quiet in the church and the priest raised the Host. Because I had only seen Novus Ordo Masses before, I was very impressed by the stillness during the Consecration at the Old Mass (as the priest only whispers the words). This was the first time I could really feel something special...
- The third thing was a novel by Julien Green, a French writer of American origin: Chaque homme dans sa nuit. The book is about a young Catholic in the American South and his private and spiritual struggles. I had wanted to read something by Green for quite some time and bought this book without even knowing it. It impressed me very deeply and also reminded me somewhat of a colleague (who later became my godfather), so I lent it to him later.
But all this was only the start, and nothing showed that there would be changes quite soon. The next 'station' was in an evening in December 2003: I had been to the city center in Vienna and went on my way home into St. Stephen's Cathedral (Stephansdom). I stared through the grille into the dark church. At this moment, I suddenly envied those who could believe: a certain longing for faith entered me - while I 'knew' at the same time that all this was quite 'impossible' in my case...
V. Meeting People
In January, 'the man I used to love' (i. e. my ex-boyfriend) and I became a couple. (For simplicity's sake, let's call him A.) I knew quite soon that he was a faithful Catholic, but first I wasn't very much interested in this fact. Still, I respected his faith a lot, because I recongized it as being real and deep. (Several years earlier, I had a boyfriend who was rather a 'Christmas Catholic', but who still insisted on the point that if we were ever to have children, they should be baptized, 'because my grandmother would like that so much'. I rejected this suggestion of course. But in A.'s case, I would have let our children (that we would never have) be baptized because I knew that this was really important to him and that he was really living the Faith.)
In March 2004, we went to see The Passion of the Christ together and we had a long talk about it and the Faith afterwards. Then A. told me that he had only converted to Catholicism and been baptized at the age of 23. I was surprised; I had always imagined that 'normal' believers had been raised in the Faith and never known anything else; there were of course also converts in my world-view, but those were rather crazy people who had had visions of Jesus and the Blessed Virgin and had converted after that. This is why I was so surprised that a 'normal' man could also be a convert - which only kindled my interest in the Faith even more...
I soon discovered the writings of G. K. Chesterton. I first read The Superstition of Divorce and The Catholic Church and Conversion - and was elated. I had always thought that religious apologetics were rather sentimental and bland; but in Chesterton, I had met an author who was full of humor, satire and without respect for secular philosophical fads - while being at the same time 'on fire' for the Faith and the Church. I realized that the Church was the embodiment of human values and common sense - contrarily to the intellectual fads of a certain period - and protected the community of men with each other and with God.
VI. Longing
Though I had already got on the good path, I first thought that I was not able to believe in God. Once I went to St. Stephen's and tried to pray - but I soon thought: what am I actually doing here? There is no one there! Still, I stayed until Mass, where I felt that I did not belong there at all, so I left before Communion. I just thought that I, in spite of all longing, just didn't have any 'sense of the religious'.
By April 2004, my longing had grown stronger and stronger; I saw myself as someone on a search, but didn't really know what I was looking for. I thought several times about contacting the religion teacher of my former class (the only priest I knew): but what should I tell him?
Finally, it was the Lord Himself who cut the Gordian knot: When I entered a Vienna downtown church (Schottenkirche) on 10 May 2004 and tried - again - to pray, the presence of the Lord just came like a flash over me and I suddenly understood what believers were experiencing and that there was indeed a God... I was overwhelmed and suddenly sure that I wanted to be baptized and become a Catholic. I contacted the priest soon afterwards and we started preparing for baptism by meeting regularly and talking about the faith. (There are no RCIA courses in Austria.)
VII. Catechumenate and Baptism
After my conversion experience, I've been reading a lot about the faith; first, I wanted to understand the basics, even though I already knew quite a lot about the characteristics of the Catholic faith due to my earlier interests. At first I didn't know exactly why I wanted to become a Catholic, I rather followed a feeling - it only became clear to me later that my decision had been the right one. And the coherence of the whole also made me realize that one couldn't pick and choose what to follow and what not to follow - if one took the Faith seriously, such things were not possible.
When I first told my parents about it (that happened about a month after my conversion experience), they were at first distressed and disappointed. They thought that I had 'a problem'; I had suddenly become a stranger to them. My mom said: 'But why Catholic? I would have thought that - in the case you would ever convert to something - it would be something more tolerant...'
But they soon accepted it. Later, my dad didn't have any problems with it - he looks at the Church from the point of view of a manager and thus has a lot of admiration for her... :-) For my mom, it was much more difficult (I think that she hasn't fully accepted it even today), but she came to terms with it and also saw that all was well and that I was very happy my decision. When my baptism drew nearer, both of them wanted to be there (my sister is living in Sweden at the moment, so she couldn't be there) and they took a lot of photographs that were afterwards shown to all our relatives...
My friends were less problematic, though one or two people reacted in a not very nice fashion. At the same time, most others thought that my decision was good, some were happy about it, or at least said: if you really want it, then it's ok... Many of my colleagues at work were also happy and/or impressed. (I even learned that one of my colleagues was Catholic only when I told him about my conversion...)
I was officially admitted to the Catechumenate on the first Sunday of Advent: I was anointed on the forehead and palms with the Oil of the Catechumens and my godfather had to tell that 'she is worthy'. On Jan. 9 (Baptism of the Lord this year) I was baptized, confirmed and received First Communion. I also could have been baptized at the Easter Vigil - but I somehow wanted to go through Lent already as a Catholic. But even in this case, my baptism happened eight months after my conversion.
Finally I can only say:
DEO GRATIAS!
I. Family
I come from a non-religious family which can best be described as agnostic.
My father's family - nominally Lutheran - has not been religious since my great-grandmother's generation (she was my grandmother's mother). At the same time, my grandmother, who had got from her own grandmother at least some very vague notion of faith, had her own children and also my aunt's children baptized. Still, my father and her sister were never raised in any faith - and my grandfather himself was an atheist.
On the other side, my mother comes from a 'good Catholic' family with seven children: several of my mother's older siblings (she is the youngest one) went to First Communion, though, as far as I know, none of them is practising today. Both my grandparents went to Catholic schools: the rich relatives who financed my grandfather's schooling at a Piarist school even wanted him to become a priest - fortunately, he himself had other plans...
Still, most of his life he probably wasn't a practising Catholic at all. My grandmother, on the other hand, started practising again in her later years (she probably never had lost the Faith). One of my aunts even brought a Rosary to her deathbed, so that she could pray it in her last hours...
II. Childhood and Youth
Still, I myself was raised in a non-religious family - though one that was quite open-minded and had much interest in culture and history. So I've 'devoured' books ever since my earliest childhood. I even went through some 'phases', when I completely immersed myself into a topic and read everything I could get hold of about it.
The first one of these phases happened when I was about 6 or 7 years old: it started when I got a very good Hungarian book of stories from the Old Testament. I was enchanted by these tales, written with lots of humor and in a very interesting way (though at first, of course, I wasn't interested in them from the religious point of view). Thus I knew very soon most of the main events described in the Bible.
Even later, I showed much cultural interest in religion, in the history of the Church, in the saints, in religious art (I also had an art history 'phase' of course :-)). What's more, we lived in Austria between 1983 and 1988 (at that time, I was between 4 and 9 years old) and here, Religious Education is a part of the national curriculum. As a person 'without religious affiliation' (ohne religiöses Bekenntnis, o. r. B.) I didn't have to attend R. E. lessons (which also meant that we could sometimes come to school later or go earlier). I was somewhat proud of being 'different' from most of the other children.
After two years in Hungary between 1988 and 1990, whe returned to Austria and I started going to high school (Gymnasium) in Vienna. From the 6th class (10th grade) on the religion teacher of my class was a young priest - something rather uncommon here, especially at a state school. We all liked him very much and I often talked with him about many things. He later said that I was more interested in Church history and such things than most students who attended R. E....
III. Shortly before
In all these years I never had the faintest idea that I would once become a believer; even two years ago I would have laughed at everybody who had said that. I thought of myself - as soon as I knew the expression - as an agnostic; I didn't say that God didn't exist, but I didn't really believe in Him and He wasn't important for me or my life.
The first vague signs that all this could change one day started about 4 years ago, when I started having very sharp and disturbing attacks of an incredible fear of death. All this came back several times during about 1 or 2 years. It was a very sudden and very oppressing feeling - in these moments I somewhat envied those people who could believe in life after death; nevertheless I thought that I couldn't give myself over to illusions that there was anything there afterwards.
IV. First Experiences
I think my "story with God" really started in August 2003. At that time, I spent some days in Paris (where I had studied for some months in 2001 and where I have gone every year since then in order to meet my friends). Three things first put me in contact with the Catholic faith and made a deep impression on me.
- One day I went to Notre-Dame Cathedral just during Communion. The church was full of tourists; but I realized that many of them had joined the Communion line. I saw many-many people of different nations - some of them just passing by - all going to Communion together. It was an impressive image of the Church, of her internationality, of her world-encompassing nature.
- On Sunday I went for a walk and entered by chance a church that was full of people - among them many young couples with children. First, I only remarked tht the priest was standing on the chancel; then he came down and started doing things at the altar with the back to the people, while saying things in an incomprehensible language. I understood quickly: this was a Tridentine Mass!
I thought at the time that this was forbidden (thoug this one was indeed: it was a Mass of the Lefebvrists), so I looked very closely and full of interest. Then came the moment of the Consecration: everyone was kneeling, it was very quiet in the church and the priest raised the Host. Because I had only seen Novus Ordo Masses before, I was very impressed by the stillness during the Consecration at the Old Mass (as the priest only whispers the words). This was the first time I could really feel something special...
- The third thing was a novel by Julien Green, a French writer of American origin: Chaque homme dans sa nuit. The book is about a young Catholic in the American South and his private and spiritual struggles. I had wanted to read something by Green for quite some time and bought this book without even knowing it. It impressed me very deeply and also reminded me somewhat of a colleague (who later became my godfather), so I lent it to him later.
But all this was only the start, and nothing showed that there would be changes quite soon. The next 'station' was in an evening in December 2003: I had been to the city center in Vienna and went on my way home into St. Stephen's Cathedral (Stephansdom). I stared through the grille into the dark church. At this moment, I suddenly envied those who could believe: a certain longing for faith entered me - while I 'knew' at the same time that all this was quite 'impossible' in my case...
V. Meeting People
In January, 'the man I used to love' (i. e. my ex-boyfriend) and I became a couple. (For simplicity's sake, let's call him A.) I knew quite soon that he was a faithful Catholic, but first I wasn't very much interested in this fact. Still, I respected his faith a lot, because I recongized it as being real and deep. (Several years earlier, I had a boyfriend who was rather a 'Christmas Catholic', but who still insisted on the point that if we were ever to have children, they should be baptized, 'because my grandmother would like that so much'. I rejected this suggestion of course. But in A.'s case, I would have let our children (that we would never have) be baptized because I knew that this was really important to him and that he was really living the Faith.)
In March 2004, we went to see The Passion of the Christ together and we had a long talk about it and the Faith afterwards. Then A. told me that he had only converted to Catholicism and been baptized at the age of 23. I was surprised; I had always imagined that 'normal' believers had been raised in the Faith and never known anything else; there were of course also converts in my world-view, but those were rather crazy people who had had visions of Jesus and the Blessed Virgin and had converted after that. This is why I was so surprised that a 'normal' man could also be a convert - which only kindled my interest in the Faith even more...
I soon discovered the writings of G. K. Chesterton. I first read The Superstition of Divorce and The Catholic Church and Conversion - and was elated. I had always thought that religious apologetics were rather sentimental and bland; but in Chesterton, I had met an author who was full of humor, satire and without respect for secular philosophical fads - while being at the same time 'on fire' for the Faith and the Church. I realized that the Church was the embodiment of human values and common sense - contrarily to the intellectual fads of a certain period - and protected the community of men with each other and with God.
VI. Longing
Though I had already got on the good path, I first thought that I was not able to believe in God. Once I went to St. Stephen's and tried to pray - but I soon thought: what am I actually doing here? There is no one there! Still, I stayed until Mass, where I felt that I did not belong there at all, so I left before Communion. I just thought that I, in spite of all longing, just didn't have any 'sense of the religious'.
By April 2004, my longing had grown stronger and stronger; I saw myself as someone on a search, but didn't really know what I was looking for. I thought several times about contacting the religion teacher of my former class (the only priest I knew): but what should I tell him?
Finally, it was the Lord Himself who cut the Gordian knot: When I entered a Vienna downtown church (Schottenkirche) on 10 May 2004 and tried - again - to pray, the presence of the Lord just came like a flash over me and I suddenly understood what believers were experiencing and that there was indeed a God... I was overwhelmed and suddenly sure that I wanted to be baptized and become a Catholic. I contacted the priest soon afterwards and we started preparing for baptism by meeting regularly and talking about the faith. (There are no RCIA courses in Austria.)
VII. Catechumenate and Baptism
After my conversion experience, I've been reading a lot about the faith; first, I wanted to understand the basics, even though I already knew quite a lot about the characteristics of the Catholic faith due to my earlier interests. At first I didn't know exactly why I wanted to become a Catholic, I rather followed a feeling - it only became clear to me later that my decision had been the right one. And the coherence of the whole also made me realize that one couldn't pick and choose what to follow and what not to follow - if one took the Faith seriously, such things were not possible.
When I first told my parents about it (that happened about a month after my conversion experience), they were at first distressed and disappointed. They thought that I had 'a problem'; I had suddenly become a stranger to them. My mom said: 'But why Catholic? I would have thought that - in the case you would ever convert to something - it would be something more tolerant...'
But they soon accepted it. Later, my dad didn't have any problems with it - he looks at the Church from the point of view of a manager and thus has a lot of admiration for her... :-) For my mom, it was much more difficult (I think that she hasn't fully accepted it even today), but she came to terms with it and also saw that all was well and that I was very happy my decision. When my baptism drew nearer, both of them wanted to be there (my sister is living in Sweden at the moment, so she couldn't be there) and they took a lot of photographs that were afterwards shown to all our relatives...
My friends were less problematic, though one or two people reacted in a not very nice fashion. At the same time, most others thought that my decision was good, some were happy about it, or at least said: if you really want it, then it's ok... Many of my colleagues at work were also happy and/or impressed. (I even learned that one of my colleagues was Catholic only when I told him about my conversion...)
I was officially admitted to the Catechumenate on the first Sunday of Advent: I was anointed on the forehead and palms with the Oil of the Catechumens and my godfather had to tell that 'she is worthy'. On Jan. 9 (Baptism of the Lord this year) I was baptized, confirmed and received First Communion. I also could have been baptized at the Easter Vigil - but I somehow wanted to go through Lent already as a Catholic. But even in this case, my baptism happened eight months after my conversion.
Finally I can only say:
DEO GRATIAS!
Labels: biographica, ecclesia
posted by Petra at 11/22/2005 02:50:00 PM
9 Comments:
I struggled through your beautiful, moving story "auf Deutsch" three weeks ago. Thank you so much for being my sister. I am sensible of how much each new member of this Economy of Salvation does for me; and the pleasure of this reality is certainly heightened when you can get to know them a bit.
The translation is lovely; now I can read it again without getting a headache! ;-)
I was looking around for people with the same blog name (Lumen de Lumine) as my own and found you.
It is wonderful to know that the faith is alive in Austria. You may know of the Karthaus (I do not know German, so forgive my spelling) in Gaming, where Franciscan University of Steubenville students make their home abroad. I am at the campus in America. I may never visit Austria, but I simply wanted to say hello to a Catholic overseas.
If you ever want to talk, I can read and write in English or Latin, whichever is easier for you.
God bless,
Micah Murphy
Hi Petra,
Blessed be the name of Jesus!
I'm an American who has just moved to Vienna. I am working for a new Catholic Apologetic Magazine: Kontinuität.
After reading your testimony I mentioned it to the editor of the magazine and he would be interested in using it in the magazine but just a little shorter.
Please contact me at: kontinuitaet@milesjesu.org
You can see the first issue about the Da Vinci Code at:
http://www.mjcontinuity.com/EUcontinuity.html
The second issue is not on-line it was about Darwinism.
ciau
in Code Matris
mark
I enjoyed reading your understanding of how you came to God. And while it is was a hard struggle, and the enlightenment you finally came to... I still find it hard that this is what Paul was writing about in Romans, or any other book that he wrote. Now, I do understand that Christ can choose anyway He wants to bring His children home and I am not the judge of the whole world, I can and will say that I didn't hear any gospel in the story. You reminded me of C. S. Lewis when he was only converted to a joy of knowing their is a God, but wasn't converted to Christ. I exhort you to look further than the teachings of the RCC to see the truth as it lies in the Living Word of GOD
I'm interested to A Tridentine Mass in Wien. Can someone to help me?
Laudetur Iesus Christus,
Maurizio-Italia
I don't know if you're still coming back here, but a licit Tridentine Mass (celebrated by the FSSP) is available in the Kapuzinerkirche at 8am on weekdays and 6pm on Sundays and Feast Days. Music is mostly German-language songs sung by the congregation.
Gratiam tibi ago Petra!
That is a wonderful story, thank you so much for sharing! Hopefully it will help someone along in their decision regarding conversion to the Catholic faith.
God Bless!
Fabulous story, Petra! So glad you got infected with the "good disease"...I thoroughly enjoy your reasoned and faithful comments on Gerald's blog and I'm happy you have your own place. God Bless you and yours, Tom G.
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